Category: devotional
You Make it Beautiful: Happy Spring
It’s Spring. And my heart struggles with this, in a strange way. I know normally Sunshiney Natalie would be screaming from the rooftops (especially after a maple latte this morning) that it’s SPRING YA’LL!
But really my heart is just in a little bit of a no-not-Spring place. Just a bit of a “let me stay here, buried in snow, I’m fine…really…” sort of half-smile place. More like the several inches of snow we got last night and the gray day here with my candle and vintage lamp and a warm mug of goodness in my fleece pajama pants (yes, still, at 11am #writerlife) snuggled under a blanket that has Love written in several languages on it. Just a little bit more of this.
I’ve been thinking lately of when I was little, how I spent so much time in my room quietly creating, happy as a clam to be in a cozy space creating beauty out of nothing more than glitter and gluesticks and paper and words. I would write all sorts of little storybooks and set up a shop to sell them to my mom for a nickel each. Just a happy little quiet Natalie-heart.
And then life.
You know what I’m sayin’?
Today is one of those days where I feel that unequivocally, life pressed down on top of my heart. Anxiety, selfishness, fear, bitterness…not so pretty.
See the truth of the matter is, I have a tender heart. I have a poet’s heart underneath it all, when we get down to it. One that sees pain and the quietness and the joy of life and takes it in deeply. A heart that has been wrecked with pain and brokenness.
These soft hearts like mine don’t just bounce back quickly. It is a bit more fragile. A bit more malleable. A bit more attentive and empathetic and a whole lot softer. It still hurts now and again and I face the thought of blooming into spring one more time with trepidation.
But I’m thinking how I don’t want an “And then life” life. Not worldly-life. I want heart-life. I want quiet-beauty-inner-happy-deep-well-soft-heart-poet-eyes-take-it-all-in-and-bring-it-back-to-life-and-breathe-it-out life. A happy little quiet Natalie-heart.
So I guess that means I do want Spring. The beautiful, life-giving, revival of Spring. To breathe that in again and let it fill me. To sit with that for awhile, to heal and slowly be brought back to life.
Thoughts & Things
I’ve had so many “come to Jesus” moments lately. You know the kind, right?
Because I just packed up my Subaru, all weighted down with vintage purses and baking dishes and hot pink Swedish clogs, and I drove halfway across the country again, only not back to where I started. To somewhere new. Crazy. The sort of crazy God gives us.
I feel so empty of all that I knew. So far away from home. {whatever ‘home’ means, really}
And yet, so powerfully full of the mercies of God.
I arrived here, in this sandy, red-faced tourist town, white-knuckled from driving for 3 1/2 days and from carrying baggage long before then. Here’s the thing about gripping something tightly: you have to let go of it to hold anything new. There is only so much room in my hands. I have to let go of insecurities and anxieties that built up in my time of waiting. Because God is doing something new.
I have traveled three days and nights to get here, to see something God has told me I must go see. The second I wrote that sentence, I thought of the Three Wise Men. I understand that story of the Three Wise Men much better now…how they journeyed toward a star, believing God had sent them, but not knowing what they would find. They arrived exhausted, exhilarated and humbled…bowed before a King.
They brought Him gifts.
I think I will bring Him gifts.
I will bring Him anxiety, and worry, and fear. Those are the most precious things I have to offer right now, the things of my heart that will really be a sacrifice of praise, because letting go of them means: I trust.
I am trusting.
Holding Patterns
Have you ever been on a plane that’s been put in a holding pattern? You’re ready to land, the plane has reached the destination, and all you want to do is hit the ground running in your destination city. Instead, you are still strapped into your uncomfortable seat on the airplane because someone “up there” in the control tower put you in a holding pattern. Why? Well, who knows: the airport might not be ready to accept your plane yet. There may be a bad storm beneath the clouds. You may need to use your gas before you can land (I never understood that one). So they have you fly in a circle over your destination.
That sounds like the most pointless thing in the world, right? To you, on the plane, ready to go, of course it does. But the airport controller has his reasons. He can see the other planes on approach, knows how busy the airport is, and knows what is safe on the ground. While the pilot may have actual control over where the plane goes, he trusts the controller and listens to the advice, which unfortunately means you get another round of stale peanuts on the airplane.
Sometimes it may feel like God puts us in a holding pattern, especially when it comes to love. We cry out thinking, “God! I’m here! I’m ready to love!” just like we are ready to get off the airplane and hit the ground running. But as ready as we may think we are, it may feel like we’re going in relationship circles. We may be put in a holding pattern for any number of reasons unknown to us at the time, including the fact that God may want us to remain single. But here’s a big one I was thinking of today: We may be ready, but our future significant other may not have lived out the part of his story that brings him to us yet. Much like waiting for the airport to be ready, or for the weather to clear on the ground, we may be waiting for God’s work in our future husband’s life. The best thing we can do in that case is to Pray for him. As we wait, God refines us constantly, takes care of us, brings us closer to where He wants us to be.
Rest and take heart in this fact: God has has the control tower’s view. He will let you land when it is safe, when it right, when all is well. And if that happens, you’ll never have been so happy in your life to run towards love.
Empty Hands
Here I am, in Minnesota. It started snowing as we unloaded my car 🙂 An appropriate welcome.
Here I am, with empty hands.
Empty hands because I am beginning again, and beginning again means opening hands that held so many good things and memories to make room for new things. I have no idea what those new things are….no idea at all.
And then I got to thinking, what if my hands are empty, not to receive again, but so that I can have two empty hands for serving. For helping. For literally digging in to community.
What if my hands were filled with goodness, love, friendship, growth, and all of those good things, filled to overflowing for awhile to give me the strength and courage to live with empty hands for awhile. It isn’t easy to keep hands open and empty. We are always wanting, always reaching and grasping and taking. It is human nature. I am no exception. But God showed me the image in my head: a beautiful and lovely image of hands reached to the sky, touched with grace, mercy, and strength… held up day after day in front of God, on bended knee, offered to Him for His use and good purposes.
Maybe “empty” hands aren’t empty at all.
Not empty at all.
Autumn Thankfulness
Cliche Race-Running Analogies
Snack Time
Wrong.
Proportional Priorities
Friday Morning
And I am SO glad it is Easter weekend. It is my favorite holiday, and I am also very anxious for the Good Friday service tonight. Good Friday just sets my heart right. It is So powerful. I’m sure I’ll write a post on Good Friday later.
~Eph. 3:17b-19
Wow! What a powerful verse!